heartless.

in the night i hear them talk...

i hear them scream, i hear them whisper, i hear them.

i hear their thoughts, and their naively malicious intentions trying to bring themselves up by putting others down.  is it really any of their business?

i hear them talk.

the coldest story ever told. 

the tragedy permeates through silence and the pain penetrates deep like adding salt to open wounds. The chilling echo of the tragedy spreads like wildfire and everyone is made aware of this...

coldest story ever told.

Somewhere far along this road, SHE lost her soul to a man so heartless. 

the essential organ that pumps blood through all the blood vessels in a rhythmic melody was dancing to a demonic tune that removed any ounce of compassion. the integral entity that makes anyone anything was completely replaced by an impostor heart that had no heart.

falling into the lies and easily manipulated by this impostor heart, she relinquished her heart and her soul trusting her misguided intuition. 

somehow, and somewhere along the road she lost her soul to a man so heartless. 

How could you be so cold-- As the winter wind when it breezes?

i've heard that people change more than the seasons, but i ignored it thinking that it's summer year round in california and this can't be true. the unsettling truth punctured deep and left everything feeling ice cold.  it's hard to think about the summer when all you feel is rain.  it's hard to believe it's 80 degrees, when you feel so cold and hollow. 

I mean after all the things that we've been through.  I mean after all the things we got into. Hey yo, I know of some things you ain't told me. And I've done some things but that's the old me. 

I've made changes. I've made sacrifices.  I did everything right, but I did nothing right at all. It felt real.  But then you just walked away and never looked back. We all make mistakes.  I think the biggest mistake I ever made was meeting you. 

How could you be so "Dr. Evil" You're bringing out a side of me that I don't know. 

I never knew the potential of such evil. I'm pretty sure the devil wouldn't recognize you. 

I'm only emotional because I cared. 

But in the end it's still so lonely. 

* italicized text are lyrics from Kanye's Heartless | 808's and Heartbreaks 

Original Photography by Adnan Mahmud

Te Busque.

At what point did losing myself to find someone else become synonymous?

 

Lost in the dark, lost in the light.

 Misguided directions and an obscure sight

 Maybe another place and time things would all make sense.  

Or, does it all make sense and my eyes won’t let me see?

 I’ve asked for answers, and prayed for truth. 

 Killed confessions and an eradicated youth.

 Mixed emotions and a tattered heart. 

My very essence decayed over time. 

Over you.

Over me.

Over everything I once believed.

 You witnessed a murder and I let it die.

We’ve both been felons to this homicide.

Photography by Adnan Mahmud

Tangled.

I’m tangled in my own mess, it’s kinda scary.

I’ve created this defense fortress; my heart is wary.

Lost inside my thoughts, it’s not normal.

Lost inside my memories, it’s paranoia.

Falling faster, and sinking slowly.

Save me.

Don’t tell me you care, show me.

 

It's Going to Burn for me to say this...

I was baking in my kitchen. Cupcakes? Cheesecake? I can't recall exactly. The batter was off-white. It could have been either or. I was wearing my black and white Parisian inspired apron I ordered online from Anthropologie. I have actually never worn it before.

It was daytime, but it was dark inside. Overcast indoors.
I set the oven to preheat to 350 degrees, and continued with my batter. It got really hot. I could feel the heat. I looked at the oven and noticed the temperature automatically increase. Significantly.

I began to scream for help. My sister was home? Yes, I think it was her. She was sprawled on a foot stool cushion in the living room breaking up a sweat. She was sluggishly resting in a state of inertia. That is so unlike her. Was it my sister?

"The oven is going to explode!!!!" I exclaimed frantically calling her up for help.
"So, turn it off" she said in the most nonchalant lackadaisical manner I've ever seen...not just from her, but from anyone.

"I CAN'T!!!!!!!! THERE'S NO POWER BUTTON ANYMORE!!! AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL THE TEMPERATURE, IT WON'T LISTEN TO ME!!!!!"

(I don't normally talk to my appliances, and I didn't in this case...but it came out that way in our dialogue)

She refused to get up or help me, I was dripping sweat, and so was she. She laid there as if she was in a hammock on the Northshore of Hawaii, and reveled in her sweat.

"You're over reacting, it's not a big deal, the oven can't explode." Still refusing to even move an inch, I began screaming some more.

"Nayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!"

I shrieked for my older brother Nayeem, hoping he would know what to do. Running back and forth to the oven, trying to turn it off. I kept getting burned.

"THE TEMPERATURE IS 1000 DEGREES!!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! IT KEEEPS CLIMBING!!!"

My brother appeared out of thin air, clad in his plaid Holister shorts and a plain white T-shirt. I'm surprised he didn't have dumbbells in his hands.

"What's up, bro?" He said in a calm and collected manner with an invisible smile. (That's so him) (On a side note - he calls me "bro" in real life - if I'm lucky he'll gender specify it and call me girl bro)
"UMMMMMMMMMMM DO YOU NOT FEEEL HOW INSANELY HOT IT IS!!?! THE OVEN IS GOING TO EXPLODE, 1000 DEGREESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He laughed.

"You're crazy, bro. It can't be 1000 degrees. "
He reaches over to the oven, and notices there are no controls to switch anything. He opens the oven and almost gets burned. An immense amount of heat blows out of the oven, and then he shuts the door quickly. The oven is untouchable without wearing 2 oven mits, and even then, you can still feel the heat.


"Is it as hot as the sun!?!!" I shrieked again.

"Dude, bro what the hell did you do?"

"We're going to explode!"

My eyes were watering, not just because I was terrified, but because of the immense amount of heat that radiated from the oven.

I turned toward the oven, and noticed a new button panel.

Up and down arrows under "Photons"
Up and down arrows under "Volume"

WTF. WHY ARE THOSE MY OPTIONS ON AN OVEN?

I started reducing the amount of "photons" on the oven with 2 oven mits and the temperature finally dropped.

I don't think I woke up.

But I don't know why I remember this so vividly.

Dark Side.

there's more that meets the eye. always.

look deeper.

beneath the surface.

the truth is buried.

The morning.

The morning comes and brings the chill into the dawn.
The morning comes and the unsettling truth still lingers on.
The morning comes and the past is still the same.
The morning comes and the morning goes, with no change.
 
The season's change, but the feelings remain.
 
Like a ghost that haunts.
Like a record on continuous play.
 
This love just taunts.
And it hurts more each day.
 
 The pain from the years gone by cannot compete with the unspoken love that was felt.
The pain and the hardships made the good times stronger and made the heart melt.
 
The morning comes and transitions into the day.
The morning comes and brings no words to say.
The morning comes and doesn't erase the tears.
The morning comes and the morning goes, and I still don't have you here.

Original Photography by Adnan Mahmud

Laws of Attraction

There are rules to everything. Some defined, and some unspoken. Even when I want to live on the edge and not follow the rules, I find myself bound by guidelines, rules and restrictions. I find myself following the rules in attempts to try and break them.

Even things that are supposed to happen naturally have rules. I find myself wanting the things that I can't have even more than if I could have it--only because it's a challenge. So I follow the rules to take on the challenge to see if I can ultimately obtain my "desire." Once I know I can have it, I'm not quite sure I want it anymore. The game has ended. The challenge is gone. The rules to follow cease to exist. Next.

I don't think mutual attraction comes along easily. I think I'm bound by rules, restrictions and constraints to fully feel I can feel comfortable being attracted to someone. It's so much of a process, I'm not sure the pure magnetism | chemistry | carnal impulsive desire, exists for me anymore. Sigh*

Suddenly my life feels so "paint-by-numbers" and I'm dying to paint outside the lines.

I'm too creative to be bound by any patterns.

Following the rules is not easy.


I'm going to EXPLODE.

Photography by Adnan Mahmud