It's Going to Burn for me to say this...

I was baking in my kitchen. Cupcakes? Cheesecake? I can't recall exactly. The batter was off-white. It could have been either or. I was wearing my black and white Parisian inspired apron I ordered online from Anthropologie. I have actually never worn it before.

It was daytime, but it was dark inside. Overcast indoors.
I set the oven to preheat to 350 degrees, and continued with my batter. It got really hot. I could feel the heat. I looked at the oven and noticed the temperature automatically increase. Significantly.

I began to scream for help. My sister was home? Yes, I think it was her. She was sprawled on a foot stool cushion in the living room breaking up a sweat. She was sluggishly resting in a state of inertia. That is so unlike her. Was it my sister?

"The oven is going to explode!!!!" I exclaimed frantically calling her up for help.
"So, turn it off" she said in the most nonchalant lackadaisical manner I've ever seen...not just from her, but from anyone.

"I CAN'T!!!!!!!! THERE'S NO POWER BUTTON ANYMORE!!! AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO CONTROL THE TEMPERATURE, IT WON'T LISTEN TO ME!!!!!"

(I don't normally talk to my appliances, and I didn't in this case...but it came out that way in our dialogue)

She refused to get up or help me, I was dripping sweat, and so was she. She laid there as if she was in a hammock on the Northshore of Hawaii, and reveled in her sweat.

"You're over reacting, it's not a big deal, the oven can't explode." Still refusing to even move an inch, I began screaming some more.

"Nayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeemmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!"

I shrieked for my older brother Nayeem, hoping he would know what to do. Running back and forth to the oven, trying to turn it off. I kept getting burned.

"THE TEMPERATURE IS 1000 DEGREES!!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! IT KEEEPS CLIMBING!!!"

My brother appeared out of thin air, clad in his plaid Holister shorts and a plain white T-shirt. I'm surprised he didn't have dumbbells in his hands.

"What's up, bro?" He said in a calm and collected manner with an invisible smile. (That's so him) (On a side note - he calls me "bro" in real life - if I'm lucky he'll gender specify it and call me girl bro)
"UMMMMMMMMMMM DO YOU NOT FEEEL HOW INSANELY HOT IT IS!!?! THE OVEN IS GOING TO EXPLODE, 1000 DEGREESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

He laughed.

"You're crazy, bro. It can't be 1000 degrees. "
He reaches over to the oven, and notices there are no controls to switch anything. He opens the oven and almost gets burned. An immense amount of heat blows out of the oven, and then he shuts the door quickly. The oven is untouchable without wearing 2 oven mits, and even then, you can still feel the heat.


"Is it as hot as the sun!?!!" I shrieked again.

"Dude, bro what the hell did you do?"

"We're going to explode!"

My eyes were watering, not just because I was terrified, but because of the immense amount of heat that radiated from the oven.

I turned toward the oven, and noticed a new button panel.

Up and down arrows under "Photons"
Up and down arrows under "Volume"

WTF. WHY ARE THOSE MY OPTIONS ON AN OVEN?

I started reducing the amount of "photons" on the oven with 2 oven mits and the temperature finally dropped.

I don't think I woke up.

But I don't know why I remember this so vividly.

Dark Side.

there's more that meets the eye. always.

look deeper.

beneath the surface.

the truth is buried.

The morning.

The morning comes and brings the chill into the dawn.
The morning comes and the unsettling truth still lingers on.
The morning comes and the past is still the same.
The morning comes and the morning goes, with no change.
 
The season's change, but the feelings remain.
 
Like a ghost that haunts.
Like a record on continuous play.
 
This love just taunts.
And it hurts more each day.
 
 The pain from the years gone by cannot compete with the unspoken love that was felt.
The pain and the hardships made the good times stronger and made the heart melt.
 
The morning comes and transitions into the day.
The morning comes and brings no words to say.
The morning comes and doesn't erase the tears.
The morning comes and the morning goes, and I still don't have you here.

Original Photography by Adnan Mahmud

Laws of Attraction

There are rules to everything. Some defined, and some unspoken. Even when I want to live on the edge and not follow the rules, I find myself bound by guidelines, rules and restrictions. I find myself following the rules in attempts to try and break them.

Even things that are supposed to happen naturally have rules. I find myself wanting the things that I can't have even more than if I could have it--only because it's a challenge. So I follow the rules to take on the challenge to see if I can ultimately obtain my "desire." Once I know I can have it, I'm not quite sure I want it anymore. The game has ended. The challenge is gone. The rules to follow cease to exist. Next.

I don't think mutual attraction comes along easily. I think I'm bound by rules, restrictions and constraints to fully feel I can feel comfortable being attracted to someone. It's so much of a process, I'm not sure the pure magnetism | chemistry | carnal impulsive desire, exists for me anymore. Sigh*

Suddenly my life feels so "paint-by-numbers" and I'm dying to paint outside the lines.

I'm too creative to be bound by any patterns.

Following the rules is not easy.


I'm going to EXPLODE.

Photography by Adnan Mahmud

Figure it Out

You run your own course at your own pace, but sometimes -- well, most of the time -- it's out of your control to determine your own pace. It's already written.

There are walls and fortresses that are built to make us convince ourselves that we are doing certain things because we choose to, and want to-- not because it's what's left to do. Making peace with the options we are given when we wanted something else - something more - seems to be a recurring situation. I wonder if we were all honest with ourselves, how much of what comes our way would we really think would be our own doing?

I've planned my life in its entirety and it appears that nothing has gone according to schedule. Kanye said it best in Welcome to Heartbreak,

"I chased the good life my whole life long, I look back on my life and my life's gone... where did I go wrong"

Chasing after our dreams, our wants, and our plans doesn't always work out the way we envision. It doesn't always work at all.

I guess you spend your whole life figuring it out?
I think.
I'm not sure.
I'm still trying to figure that out.

Artwork: Audrey Kawasaki "Linger" oil and graphite on canvas 30"x30"'Kakurenbou' @ Mondo Bizzarro

Energy

The Memories.

The images.

The history.

My apologies.

My damages.

Your mystery.

This inexplicable feeling.

This pain and love with miraculous healing.

This undeniable connection.

This unfaltering loyalty with no flexion.

This deep bond that held it together.

This strong fire that kept burning forever.

This deep connection that doesn't seem to dissipate.

This deeper love that makes the heart palpitate.

This glue.

This force.

This chemistry.

Only You.

My Source.

My Energy.


Painting: Audrey Kawasaki "Ishiki" Oil on Wood 8.5x6.5 Four Dreams - Compound Gallery
Photo: "Source" Photo by me.

Thought.